Starstuff
by Suzotchka
Summary: Conclusion of Empty trilogy Susan's Thoughts


Starstuff

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot

Summary: Conclusion of the Empty trilogy- Susan's thoughts.

Author's note: I realize that this has been, like many of my fan fictions, unusual, twisting the characters to their limits. I would like to explain a few things. First off, in the first story, Sheridan calls Susan sweetheart, uncharacteristically, to express how childlike she is in her innocence at that moment, it would be natural to address a child in such a way. Also, no one is saying that a mentally impaired Susan take over the Alliance. That is just one of my ways of expressing how much I dislike the idea that Delenn takes over as second of the Alliance when that role belongs to Susan. Anyway, please review, I hope you enjoy it, if not constructive criticism is welcome, but no flames.

It was just past dawn as Susan woke, the first rays of light hitting her face as her eyes opened. She sat up slowly and just as slowly got out of bed. Her movements were always hindered now. At least she could get around now, which was a lot better than earlier. She showered and put on the light blue robe that John had favored on her. By the time her nurse arrived, she was sitting in her rocking chair, facing the now rising sun, feeling the cool breeze through the open window. Susan and her nurse seemed to have come to a bit of an agreement these days, now that Susan could move around a bit and see to her own needs. The nurse would arrive in the morning, make up Susan's room, help Susan with getting ready if needed. Today it was not, as she had even combed her hair and tied it back with the wooden comb she had had for many years now. The nurse opened the door to her balcony and pulled the rocking chair close to it. There was a swing on the balcony if Susan wanted to go out and sit on it. She served tea, leaving breakfast for later and then left. She would come back in a few hours to serve breakfast, and then check on Susan throughout the day, staying to ensure she ate her meals, giving her a privacy she had lacked for many years. When was the last time she had had such privacy, probably on Babylon 5, when she was not working, after that three years in prison, then seven years under constant scrutiny, before her breakdown. It had been a simple enough matter. On one of her missions, she was on an abandoned planet on the Rim, dealing with First One technology, in this case left over Shadow technology. She was to deactivate it. However, Earth Force in its wisdom had decided that since Shadow technology was organic and that it bonded with telepaths, a Psi Cop should be present. They sent Bester, the man who had killed her mother, the man who had destroyed Garabaldi, the man who had kept her locked up in prison for three years before Earth Gov changed hands again, to a government composed of a great many resistance leaders who had lost no time looking for her, which the previous government, still composed of many Clarke aides had been happy to ignore. While they had freed her, they still had not been able to take on the telepaths. Seeing him made something inside of her, the cool façade she managed to keep up as the entire world studied her crack, fear and anger and rage. She had thrown herself at him, intending to kill him. After being restrained, she had started to fade into a faint. When she woke she had lost all sense of self. A sense which had eluded her for ten years. It was only in the after math of John's death that she had started to remember her self.

John, she missed him. Even though he had ignored her for ten years after the war, he had come for her, he had cared for her. He was perhaps one of the only ones who really did care for her, other than Michael and Stephen. She looked outside. The sun had now fully risen. It was about the time when John usually had come to visit her. She lived with Delenn and David now, although she was not really close to either. John's attentions to her had impaired any relationship they might have had, although David had visited often when he was younger. He came now, but mostly out of duty.

She picked up her needle and frame and continued stitching the silk cloth. Like all the pieces she stitched, it was one yard long and one yard wide, perfectly hemmed by her own hand, and would, by the time she was done with it, be entirely covered with elegant, neat embroidery. For many years it had been the only way she could express herself, when she could not even hold a pen to write, her fingers had somehow allowed her to hold the slight needle. This piece was golden silk on which she used green silk thread, recreating the patterns of Kosh's ship. It was the only way she could record that which had come before them in an age when everything was falling apart. She had hundreds of such pieces, abstracts few could understand, showing the song she heard at Sigma 957, in the machine, the end of the Great War, the destruction of White Star 2 and many more such moments that would be lost to the next generation. Even when she could not remember herself, images would come to mind and she would sew them, not knowing what they were, just aware that they were important. It had been a nice break she thought. Ten years free from her demons, when she could not deal with it anymore. Now, it seemed she had slowly recovered when she was capable of dealing with that past again. She had first spoken directly to John as he was dying. Now she was able to hold conversation with those around her, but for the most part chose not to, often lost in her own thoughts.

There was a knock on the door and her nurse entered with breakfast, which she set on the table, as David entered to breakfast with her. He was followed by Delenn. That was unusual. Oh well. Susan waited until the nurse lay out her spread and left. Then she rose gracefully and seated herself at the table with David and Delenn. David bent to kiss her cheek, which she allowed. She listened quietly as the two recited what was happening in the alliance. What she heard nearly made her cry. Vir had died last year and now the Centuri were back to their old ways, this time targeting the Drazi, mass genocide resulted. Instead of stepping in and saving lives as the Alliance was supposed to, Delenn had decided that it was diplomatically not opportune that they intervene and had done nothing. Susan could have screamed, but she knew she could do nothing. It was as if nothing they had done had mattered. Everything she and John had worked for was crumbling. Michael and Stephen had similar concerns but could not summon enough forces to do something about it. The two left, as if nothing was wrong, right after breakfast.

Susan went back to her thoughts. She rarely left that room. Sometimes she would go for a slow walk in the gardens with Stephen or Michael leading her. Both men had wanted her to come live with them now that John was dead, but she had resisted. Now she thought that might be for the best. Michael had a wife and daughter, who lived part time on Mars and part time on Mimbar with him but Stephen lived alone on Mimbar, just a few miles away. Maybe that would be for the best. She wanted to spend what little time she had with those she cared about. Stephen had offered to take her to Babylon 5 for a visit as well as to Russia. That would be nice she thought. She had never visited her father's grave or Uncle Yossel's. Yes, she would tell Stephen she wished to move in with him. Delenn would be relieved. It was an inconvenience for her to have Susan living in her home with the staff she required when Delenn was President and must constantly use her home for diplomatic functions. Besides David would marry soon and bring his bride home. She and Delenn had never been extremely close, but it was after Marcus died to save her that their relationship had fallen apart as Delenn blamed her for Marcus' betrayal in leaving the battle and certainly for his death. It was a matter a Mimbari could not understand, leaving duty leaving the One for love.

Neroon, ironically had understood. He had come to visit Susan when it became public that she was recovering, a few months ago. He had treated her as if she was Marcus' widow, with all the respect of the position. After his battle with the Ranger, Neroon had come to honor Marcus as a fellow warrior and friend. It was Neroon who had told her that Delenn would soon be removed from her position, and that one more suited would take her place. When that happened, Delenn would be offered a position as a diplomat, perhaps even as the Chief Ambassador of the alliance, who would greet and meet with all other diplomats. It would better suit her. Susan was relieved that what she had helped create would endure. Oddly, she didn't blame Delenn. It was not her fault she had been thrust into a position she was not adequate for. They had asked her to take a position, with full staff support, but she knew she could not. Even if her mind was recovered, her body never would. She recommended Michael as President and Neroon as Entilzah, with David in training to take over from Michael when he was older.

It was late evening now and as the sun set, the stars had started to appear. The sight always made Susan smile. After all, from the time she was sixteen, her life had revolved around those stars, that looked the same, although now in different places in the sky from Earth, from Babylon and from Mimbar. She remembered John telling her of how Delenn had once told him that all beings are, starstuff. She remembered Earth Force burials, returning souls to the stars they had come from. She remembered that John had died, in a shuttle amongst the stars. Perhaps it was time for her to journey among the stars once more. She would tell Stephen she was ready for that trip to Earth.


End file.
